Everyone who knows me knows that I love a good laugh. And – being a middle school grade teacher – my humor is a little cheesy. I firmly believe that over time, you become like the students you teach. I LOVE puns and cheap jokes. I have this fabulous white board sign that I keep just outside my classroom door, and I attempt to add a new pun every day to help bring laughter to the hallways. Enjoy!
1. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
2. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
3. What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeño business!
4. Did you hear about my new corduroy pillow? It’s making headlines!
5. How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer
6. What does a vegan zombie eat? graaaaaains!
7. Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-naaaaaa!
8. What kind of music do chiropractors listen to? Hip Pop
9. What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wiped his butt
10. Today is the anniversary of Hitler’s death? I did Nazi that coming.
11. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? pumpkin pi!
12. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
13. A will is a dead giveaway.
14. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
15. A backward poet writes inverse.
16. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
17. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
18. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
19. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
20. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
21. A calendar’s days are numbered.
22. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
23. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
24. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
25. Those that get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
26. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
27. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
28. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
29. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
30. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
31. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
32. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
33. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it was just an optical Aleutian.
34. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
35. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
36. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
37. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
38. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
40. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
41. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
42. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
43. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
44. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
45. How does Hitler tie his shoes? In little knotsies.
46. Why was the computer late? Because it had a hard drive.
47. How do you fix a broken tuba? Tube a glue.
48. It’s National Pancake Day again? Wow, that really creped up on me.
49. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
50. A neutron walked up to the restaurant counter and asked, “how much for a soda?” The waitress said, “For you, no charge!”
51. Why do people love poisonous snakes? ‘Cuz they have poisonality!
trudy krisherSeptember 21, 2014 at 8:34 pm (9 years ago)
Kristen, I am in awe of your teaching and so honored that you would teach my book SPITE FENCES!Reply
You are doing exactly what I always wished would happen – putting important ideas into the minds of young people so that they can learn, grow, and think! Please contract me at firstname.lastname@example.org. If possible, I would love to visit your students and meet them in person! Best to a truly special teacher, Trudy Krisher
LindseyJanuary 15, 2015 at 8:17 pm (8 years ago)
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!Reply
kdembroJanuary 23, 2015 at 5:58 am (8 years ago)
Hahaha nice one!!!! Thanks!